Just one time

Just in passing, I read something about self-care.

That you can’t give what you don’t have.

That you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

And this makes me think of you.

That’s a common enough occurrence; thinking of you comes naturally. Today it’s this topic, but it could be any number of other things that bring you to mind at any time. Or nothing at all; you’re just there in my thoughts.

However I might try, you’re a habit of the mind I haven’t been able to break.
Or not yet, anyway.

I’m past the stage of disappointed expectations, of willing my phone to chime, of wishing for impossibilities.  The dreams were pretty, but I know that they were only ever dreams.

I suppose I always knew, I just didn’t want to see.

Still it’s hard, these everyday moments that call you to mind; the days that are an ache built into the calendar. The anniversary of our first night together. Christmas. Valentine’s Day. Your birthday.

It really doesn’t serve anything to tell you that sometimes it’s so hard. I can’t change it. I know that it can’t be, could never have been any different. It is, as it is, as it must be.

I know that, really, it’s better this way.

So I will never say it again after this, but I am saying it this once, if only for myself.

I think of you. I don’t want to, but I do. And sometimes, it’s so hard.


~ by lorakceel on January 28, 2015.

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