Visitation

He has come to visit.  He has my room, in a house that is and yet is not mine.

My sister comes for the night too… I have an image of us sleeping end to end on the couch, strewn about like rag dolls, as we might have as small children.

My next image is of them talking, animated, happy. I am sitting, watching, beside but not able to join the conversation. Though I know I am welcome to, and I would like to… there is no break for it, no easy entry, no comfortable place where I feel I would do anything but diminish it. I am sorry for my limit, my weakness… even as I admire her comfort, her strength. She is the better version, engaging and delightful. I am glad that they are so engaged, glad that she is here to fill the gap where I might fail. He will not be bored in her presence.

And yet I am also sorry that he will not know that I am better one-on-one.  Introvert to her extrovert, I could not be as good as she is… but in another setting I can be better, nonetheless.

Then he is gone again – for the day or to bed – his actual whereabouts is unclear. In his absence, we are talking. She worries that she has hurt me in some way, just by being the wonder that she is. I brush her hair back from her face with love. If I feel less, it is not because she did anything wrong. And she has not stolen anything from me, I want to tell her… He and I could never be anything other than what we are; connected in a way for which there is no name, and yet never any more than friends.

And just as I am about to suggest that I would wish them happiness, I start to come clearer. They are not “together.” My sister is married to a wonderful man. She is not the little girl, but the mom of little girls. And my heart is not broken by any means.  They are not here; I am dreaming. Strange to have him in my dreams again, even this little bit. I am dreaming Truth about my love for my sister, about how hard I am on myself, about the strange but increasingly peaceful place he rests in my heart. And I am dreaming Truth about my skillset, in answer to a work situation I have been concerned about.

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~ by lorakceel on January 26, 2012.

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